Dry spell

I am not sure why it took me so long to get back to blogging. The last time I blogged was about 9 months ago. I had given up the discpline of penning down my thoughts which were probably too mundane and trivial to pen down in any case.

But I made a mistake of making my blog my homepage for my web browser and so I am constantly reminded of my blog everytime I surf the net. I tell myself that I should do something about this sorry state of affair. Leaving it unfinished and dangling in mid-air does not do anyone good.

After much soul-searching, I came to the conclusion that I wont kill my blog. Nevermind it has been in a coma for months. Nevermind if nobody visits it anymore. It is a place of refuge for my thoughts and that's all that matters to me.

I wish I have one thing to focus on when I write. But the truth is, my mind races down many different winding paths. I find it really hard to pin down any worthwhile thought to share. There is also this frustration that life is really getting nowhere. It scares me to think that I may sit down to write a post and find myself with little to write. Not writing spares me the agony of facing up to this horrifying reality that my life has no real purpose.

The most fearsome in life is not the thought of dying but that of living with no direction. I see my days unwinding with sure precision and countless sunsets which rob me of time and youth, but yet no satisfaction of life. I see students come and go, hopefully to better things in life, but I stay the same.

In my waning optimism I had once hoped that life would have more purpose and that I could be a part of a grand design. These days I am resigned to my place in life in which I have little control over. I have learnt to appreciate the little joys that come my way and grit my teeth when life deals me a tough hand.

To some extent I do emphatize with the horse in the novel Animal Farm. At the end of the day, we will all be sold for glue and to the very last breath be useful to someone else.